Mike

http://www.sacbee.com/410/story/2222317.html

I found an article in the Sac Bee when Mike first died and decided to keep the link to it incase maybe I needed to see it again. Now, its been almost 6 months since his death and its still unbelievable. I still havent learned how to deal with it except to put it in the back of my mind. I just brought the link back up and everytime I read it I have a hard time even thinking that that article was written for my best friend. The only comforting thing is that Im going to see him again someday. But what if there isnt even that? What if there isnt a heaven? I was sitting in my second period class acouple weeks ago where Im a tutor for freshman english. I was listening to a discussion about what the kids thought heaven was like, and the tutor I was sitting next to decided to discuss his own opinion. That heaven isnt a real place, that its human imagination. And I didnt even know what to say. That is really the only things that keeps the smile on my face is knowing that Im going to see him again in heaven. But what if he is right? What if there is no such place? What if we only believe in that as comfort in dealing with the fact that they are really gone forever?
Also, reading that article brings up a lot of questions that Ive had from the beginning. All of it just doesnt make any sense. He was amazing behind the wheel. He had been racing since he was young, he grew up with quads and dirt bikes, and he was the only guy that I ever met that could sit and talk about rebuilding cars for hours. The different models, makes, engines, everything. He helped me whenever I had issues with my car and he never took his into a car shop. He always did it himself. He did have a need for speed but he wasnt stupid about it and when he messed up, he didnt over correct. He knew cars like the back of his hand. The only thing that was wrong with his car at the time was that he had bald tires. The night he crashed was a nice summer night. I know the people he was hanging out with that night and they said that he wasnt under the influence of anything. The police report said that the only issue during the crash was speed. But I know Mike, and that doesnt seem right. They said that there were no tire marks on the road meaning that he never hit the brakes. I have friends down the road that he crashed on and the turn that was mentioned in the article is one of the slightest turns on that mountainous road. He had lived out there his whole life. His crash made absolutley no sense and that kills me that I cant figure it out. I wish that I knew what happened. The report also said that they thought the reason of the crash was that he fell asleep while driving. But he used to stay out all the time, late into the night. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason but I cant but think that there must have been a way to prevent his crash.
But how do you let go of that? All I want is to be content with him being gone, which now that Ive said that out loud, it doesnt seem real. But I feel very stuck and I want to get past this. I would like to be fully happy again and not always thinking about what could have been. His death was an undescribably huge loss for so many people. At his funeral service, there were people filling the pews, standing in the back and the back doors were open because people were standing outside, there was no more room in the church.
Im so grateful to still be close with his family. His parents are some of the strongest and sweetest people Ive ever met and his older brother is amazing as well. Its kind of wierd because Mike and him look so similar, its like looking into Mikes eyes. And some of the gestures he makes and the things he says are exactly the same.
I love being able to help them and being there for them. I would just like to learn how to help myself.